I am not okay.

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It seems like everywhere I turn at the moment I see or hear the phrase ‘It’s okay not to be okay’. Which I fully support. I love that people are being supportive and letting you know that you don’t have to put on a brave face all the time. But I can’t do that.

I am not okay.

I have an intense need to be positive and supportive for everyone around me. I put on a brave face. I push down my own needs and feelings. I make sure that the people I love and care about are put before myself.

But I am not okay.

I don’t know why I cling to the brave face so fiercely. I don’t know why I can’t tell people that love me that I need help. I don’t know why I suffer in silence.

I am not okay.

I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like my emotions are rising rapidly inside me, and I’m drowning in them. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to take care of myself. It’s taking huge amounts of effort on my part to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to shower, to get dressed. Some days I can’t even get that far. Some days I can’t do any of that, and I’m left feeling ashamed of myself for struggling.

I am not okay.

I feel like I’ve lost control of my life. I feel like the world is spinning faster and faster, and I can’t catch up. I feel like I’m going in slow-motion, while the rest of my life is continuing at an increasing pace. I feel like the world has left me behind.

I am not okay.

I’m starting a new job tomorrow, and I’ve got a to-do list that’s as tall as I am. I’m trying to break things down into manageable chunks, but there are deadlines. Unfortunately, mental illness doesn’t care if you’ve got stuff to do. It doesn’t care about your deadlines, or what you had planned for the day. It only cares about making you feel as inadequate, incapable, and lonely as possible. It makes it feel like you can’t talk to anyone. It makes it feel like there is nothing you can do to make it better.

I am not okay.

The logical part of me knows that there are people I can turn to, and that I am more than capable of doing everything I need to do. And yet the feeling that I want to hide away, to disappear and never talk to anyone, is almost overwhelming. I want to cease to exist. I don’t want to die necessarily, I just want to not be here. If it was possible to just step out of life for a little while, have a break, and then return as if no time had passed, that would be ideal. But life keeps going, whether you want it to or not.

I am not okay.

What I want more than anything right now is a mummy-cuddle. My muma gave the best hugs. She was warm and squishy and comforting. She always knew how to make it all better. I miss her so much, and I hate to think about how much it would hurt her to see me in so much pain right now. I try to be the best version of myself for her. To step out of my comfort zone, embrace life, and live everything to the fullest, because she is proof that we don’t live forever. It can all be over at any time. So I try my best. But I am not perfect.

And I am not okay.

***

Sorry to ramble on. I wanted to get it all out, and you’ve all been so kind and supportive and non-judgmental, so I figured if I was going to tell someone it might as well be all you lovely people.

Thank you so, so much for reading, and hopefully I’ll see you all again soon. xo

“But we have to learn to be free. We have to, Nell. Doesn’t mean happy all the time, or okay all the time. It’s okay not to be okay. I told you that, but I’m relearning it myself. But not being okay doesn’t mean you stop living.”

– Jasinda Wilder, Falling into You.